I have to go shopping.
I hate shopping. Always have, even when I was skinny (though I forget exactly why). When I go shopping, every single self-hate tape ever made in my life seems to run through my head. My head also runs hate tapes about other people, too. "How can she walk in those heels? She'll cripple her feet. Oh, lok at her--that top is brazen. Why do fat people insist on wearing tight clothes?" And so on, ad nauseum.
When I shop, I feel doubtful, desperate, and poverty-stricken.
But my favourite (and only) jeans have rips in the knees. We're three days away from leaving. And I am not wearing them on this trip--not even patched which I've seriously considered.
We will be visiting with my 96 year old grandmother. As a child, I had a fairly complicated relationship with her--and one of our most vociferous battlegrounds was clothes. I want her to think she's finally won all those fights. (Since I am wearing the ripped jeans, still, it's questionable whether she actually has won those old fights.) I want her to know that I really do believe that I'm worth dressing well. (Even if I am scared to death to act from those beliefs). And as the rubber hits the road, I must be honest and admit, showing up in ripped or patched jeans may just be the equivalent of throwing her ammunition--and, I don't want to do that. The fight is over between us.
As I was pondering all of this, it occurred to me that the Good Lord would not have let my jeans become irretrievably rabbity at this exact moment in my life if there were not a better pair of pants out there He wants me to have. Sound crazy? Maybe. But for Mathew 6: 25-34, promises of light burdens and His Provision for ways out of temptation. (1 Cor 10:13)
I had planned to waken early and take the car today to find those pants. But Aurelia is suffering with a cold and I didn't get to bed until 5am this morning. So, here I am, with the clock ticking down, waiting for the husband to get home so I can go out, face my fear, trust in God and make my Grandmother happy.
These are the stars which must be aligned to motivate me to take a little trouble over my self.
2 comments :
You can do it! I have confidence in you! (I really wish I could go shopping with you tonight, because oddly enough, I like shopping in all its various permutations.)
I used to dress up when I went to visit my Great Aunt A. Anyone else got to take me as they found me, but she always looked "just so", and it seemed to me to be right to look "just so" when I visited her.
Be strong and of good courage.
May the jeans be with you.
I am so proud of you for being able to write this. (And thrilled at the subsequent purchase of jeans -- faith apparently does move mountains.)
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