Oh, Finally....

Look, it's warming up for a few days:!!!

Sun
-9°C
-10°C

Mon
-2°C
-10°C

Tue
-7°C
-16°C

Wed
-18°C
-21°C

I CANNOT tell you how frustrated I am. It's not just the cold, but the fact that with this weight, I have NO CLOTHES! I'm wearing four layers on top--four very snug layers which won't stay put--and I cannot handle this discomfort anymore.

Did you know that fat people can't put their arms in front of their bodies? It's true. Never mind airplane seats--computer keyboards are too small.

If it weren't for the fact that
1) it hasn't been warmer than -20 since I don't know when, (the dog is even refusing to go outside!)
and
2) the kids have been sick during the holidays,
and
3) I hate walking alone in the dark,
and
4) I hate driving in the dark,
and
5) the sun doesn't rise until 9 am (long after the husband has gone to work), and
6) the sun sets at about 4 (before the husband gets home)

I would be out there excercising!

WHAT am I going to do?
**********************

In other news: my sister plans to begin the process of signing custody of her son over to my mother on Monday. (We'll see if that actually happens. She's been spending the last week pretty depressed and unhappy, not surprisingly. Pray she can screw her courage to the sticking place to do this extremely difficult and selfless thing.)

He will be coming to us while my Mom works during either the morning or afternoon, Monday to Friday, Saturday afternoons and Monday evenings.

The Canadian Food Guide

I've read Marion Nestle's account of the development of the American Food Guide. And as a result, I'm sorry to say, I hadn't expected much from our own Government's.

I am pleasantly surprised, even though it is called the Rainbow guide. (Geesh, I could do without the leprechauns). Unfortunately, the version I printed out is obviously meant for 14" paper--the printing is so tiny I can barely make it out. But it really is a great guide. Not everyone agrees, however.

Firstly, the recommended servings per day are broken down for children, teens and adults--and then divided even further from there! Secondly, there are lots of examples to show you what constitutes "one" serving. Thirdly, there are further clarifications and explanations, to make the information even more complete. For example, in the "vegetable and fruit" category, it recommends one dark green and one orange vegetable a day. I hadn't known orange veggies had attained the same status as the dark greens. Fourthly, the guide actually says "include 30 - 45 (2-3Tbsp) of unsaturated fat per day." It isn't recommended or suggested--you're just flat out told--do this. I like it.

So, what I need to do is take this information and correlate it with calorie recommendations and then devise my own eating plan--and then create a chart of some kind to keep track of what I eat everyday. It may take a bit of time!

(I also want to compare and contrast it to Dr. Weil's new "Anti-Inflammatory" Food Guide Pyramid).

More Numbers.

Body Mass Index is calculated as your weight in kilograms divided by your height in meters squared. It is used to help figure out healthy (and not so healthy) weight ranges for individuals based on their height.

It beats the method my Mother taught me in my teens: 100 lbs for 5 feet plus 5 lbs for every inch. (Though, as that turns out it's not a bad way of reckoning.)

This way of calculating BMI is quite crude, of course. It doesn't differentiate between muscle and fat. And as we know, an inch of muscle weighs a lot more than an an inch of fat. I remember when I weighed 135lbs and exercised 6x a week: Folks were aghast to think I weighed "that much." My mother called me "tiny." Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of me from that super healthy time.

There is a great calculator for those of us metrically challenged over at the CDC website and a chart.

The chart is as follows:

BMI Weight Status
Below 18.5 Underweight
18.5—24.9 Normal
25.0—29.9 Overweight
30.0 and Above Obese

For someone 5' 6" the numbers translate as follows:
Below 114.5lbs Underweight
114.5--154lbs Normal
155--185lbs Overweight
186lbs+ Obese

So, the first goal, I guess, is to get down to 185 lbs. That would be good.

Free Radicals and Rust.

I have always found chemistry fascinating. We never did much cellular chemistry, though. But the mighty mitochondria (above) is an amazing and incredible powerhouse. It is proof of the existence of God.

As one kids' site I visited said, "Mitochondria proves there's a little bit of sunshine in everyone." And so it is. The reaction is something like this:

In plants:
sunshine + CO2 is made into sugar + O2

In animals:
sugar + O2 is made into energy + CO2

However, that reaction can also send a few extra molecules of unstable oxygen with an extra electron (O!) to prowl your blood. Those are your free radicals--and if they glom onto the wrong things, they can set off chain reactions in your cells and do some serious damage. (That process is called oxidation, or rust).

What sort of damage? Well, here's a rather technical but easy to understand explanation from this site:

Cell membranes are made of unsaturated lipids. The unsaturated lipid molecules of cell membranes are particularly susceptible to this damaging free radicals process and readily contribute to the uncontrolled chain reaction. Oxidative damage, another name for the chemical reaction that free radicals cause, can lead to a breakdown or even hardening of lipids, which makeup all cell walls. If the cell wall is hardened (lipid peroxidation) then it becomes impossible for the cell to properly get its nutrients, get signals from other cells to perform an action (such as firing of a neuron) and many other cellular activities can be affected. In addition to the cell walls, other biological molecules are also susceptible to damage, including RNA, DNA and protein enzymes.

Very scary stuff. And apparently, in the presence of heavy metals, this process explodes exponentially.

But there is hope.

If you eat a diet of foods which your body can easily convert into anti-oxidants, they rush in and partner up with the rebelling radicals and peace and love and harmony conquer all. (And I mean all: just look at the list of "problems" an extra dose of anti-oxidants can "cure".)

I need lots of anti-oxidants. I'm rusting. Really rusting. Not only did smoking introduced an enormous number of free radicals into my body (and toxins, too, of course), but I never ate very many fruits and vegetables. (For some reason, smokers don't.)

So, according to everyone, I should be eating foods rich in flavonoids, a veritable psychedelic cornucopia of foods. Food that is purple, food that is yellow, green food, red food, blue food. From a cursory look at the literature available on Google, it seems that supplements do not have the same impact on free radicals, True love comes from true food.

Specifically:*

1. Small red beans, dried. (huh?)
2. Wild blueberries
3. Red kidney beans
4. Pinto beans (I don't think I've had a pinto bean in my life. At least, not on purpose.)
5. Blueberries, cultivated.
6. Cranberries
7. Artichokes, cooked. (You wouldn't think of eating it raw, would you?)
8. Blackberries
9. Prunes. (I'm a fan of dried prunes, actually. I love them).
10. Raspberries
11. Strawberries
12. Red Delicious apples. (Who knew individual kinds of apples were better than others? Good grief.)
13. Granny Smith apples
14. Pecans
15. Sweet cherries
16. Black plums.
17. Russet potatoes, cooked
18. Black beans
19. Plums
20. Gala apples

* From Ultrametabolism by Dr. Mark Hyman. No idea how much nor how often. The book is a bit sketchy when it comes to that kind of detail.

I forgot to list chocolate. 2-3 oz per day, as long as it is 70% cocoa. The husband just brought some home. Lindt makes some.

PS: For breakfast, I therefore had 2 tablespoons of teeny tiny chopped up pecans and 1/4 cup dried cranberries in my Red River Cereal.

Motivation

Muscle is denser than fat. How much denser?

A whole lot more than I'd ever realised.

Resources and Choices

Martha Beck has a list of books for the people diagnosed with high need for information.

The goal is to gather enough information to design my own weight loss plan.

Ultrametabolism, Mark Hyman

8 Weeks to Optimum Health and Eating Well for Optimum Health, Andrew Weil, MD.

The Way to Eat, David Katz, MD

Eat More, Weigh Less, Dean Ornish, MD

The South Beach Diet, Arthur Agatson, MD

The Sonoma Diet, Connie Guttersen

French Woman Don't Get Fat, Mireille Guiliano

The Zone Diet, Barry Sears

Pritikin Program books by Robert Pritikin

Mediterranean diet.

Glycemic Index diet. (see Christine Northrup's online newsletter.)

Next Obsession

229

Just a number. At least, I think that's the number. It's actually hard to see, the numbers on the IKEA scale are so small and close together. They also seem quite far away. And it may not even be accurate.

Nonetheless.

I have gained an uncomfortable amount of weight. Not surprisingly. One's metabolism slows down when one quits smoking. The craving for sweet stuff intensifies as a result, too. (All those hormonal adjustments, I guess). And the habit of constant hand to mouth motions is extremely difficult to break.

Funnily enough, I'm not that upset. In a way, I chose to gain this weight and that makes it easier to bear: I'm not ashamed of it. Well, no more ashamed than the numbers were before I quit smoking--which, I think, were about 30 lbs less. In fact, you could say I've gained about 30 lbs of pride--which are far more empowering than 199lbs of shame.

I re-read Martha Beck's "Four Day Win," this time from the back, as she recommends. I discovered something true about myself, which is always fun.

I have noticed that when I approach a project or an interest, I tend to want to know everything I can to figure it out. And apparently, this isn't unique to me! I am the sort of person classified by Beck as one with a "High need for information." So, she says, there is a "diet" program for me--one based on a ton of information. From this position, I pick and choose what I will do. Sounds right. Beck includes a list of books to read in order to get started and I'll be blogging about those as I deal with them.

That need for information, though, is matched with a need for structure--whether high or low. And according to Beck's quiz, I am a low structure kind of gal. So, yeah, I will read up on paints and pigments, tint my own stains and apply them. I will read enough on education to complete an undergrad degree and then teach them according to what I've determined as best for them.

I still need some structure, though, for some things--and that's a valuable insight. In the past, I would either have too much structure (Flylady) and eventually rebel, or too little (our church) and fall away.

The model, for me, is the AT Cure. It provided just the right amount of structure for me to get things done! (And, admittedly, get a LOT done. It's amazing when the right support structure is in place, isn't it?!)

So, I'm prowling the web for something like the Cure to help with weight loss. Is there a message board out there? Is there a support group (on-line)that you know of which would help? Ideally, I'd love to find some on-line buddies to share information and motivation. As for keeping me "accountable" I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that--feels too much like reporting to the headmaster for punishment rather than as something helpful, at the moment!

Caveats:
Not sure when exactly I will start. Soon. Maybe after Christmas. Maybe before. Technically, of course, I'm starting right now. It's all a continuum of action. When will I start "depriving myself of food?" Hopefully never, though fewer chocolate almonds are probably in order.

I never knew...

My emotions are all out of whack these days. Angry words fly out of my mouth before I even know I'm angry. If I feel sad, I'm sobbing uncontrollably within minutes. The only thing I'm not experiencing to extreme is joy--and I don't want to think about that, or I'll start crying again. Sheesh.

It's dangerous, though. My usual "coping Strategy" for emotion is to smoke. (Surprise!) I was feeling the urge very strongly this morning...and realised that what was upsetting me would not go away if I had a cigarette. To boost that thought, I did a little reading. I'm shocked.

I learned a few things about smoking I never "knew" before.

• Cigarettes are one of the few consumer products that aren't regulated. I knew this--it just hasn't ever struck me before as a rather dangerous thing.


• Nicotine acts as a vasoconstrictor, meaning it decreases the diameter of your blood vessels and makes it more difficult for blood to flow throughout the body; nicotine also contributes to increased arterial plaque buildup. This forces the heart to work harder and can lead to higher blood pressure and heart attack. More obvious effects of nicotine are cold or clammy hands and feet. Although the heart works harder to pump blood through narrow blood vessels, it isn’t strong enough to get enough blood to the hands and feet to keep them warm.
  Hooray! I'm looking forward to having warmer hands and feet!


• Carbon Monoxide mechanism of action:
  Every single cell in the body requires oxygen to stay alive. Normally, red blood cells carry oxygen throughout the body by attaching it to a molecule called hemoglobin. Think of this as a lock and key process… When oxygen (the key) attaches into hemoglobin (the lock), everything is good. Your muscles work efficiently and your body is happy. However, when you smoke, carbon monoxide attaches itself to hemoglobin in place of oxygen and is carried throughout the body. As a result, you start to feel tired, sluggish, and short of breath since your brain, muscles, and lungs are not getting enough oxygen. Eventually the carbon monoxide falls off or the red blood cells are replaced; however, more carbon monoxide enters the body through continued smoking.
  I really do feel more energetic. And it has come as a complete surprise. Last night I was looking up exercises on the net. I feel more "alive" too--even though my concentration has been utterly shot these past few days!

It's funny. I feel like I've lost ten pounds. I actually got on the scales to check--and I was perplexed to note that I've actually gained (about 3, nothing to worry about). But now that I know this about the CO, it makes sense to me.

This morning, I walked briskly--two times! Once on the way to Church and once on the way back. I have no idea how many years it has been since I've walked briskly. It was really cold out there--especially with the wind. I didn't even realise how fast I was walking until my daughter started lagging behind after walking with me for only five minutes!

I have always blamed my colds hands and feet on my weight. I have always blamed my shortness of breath on my weight, too. (After all, it only came upon me after exertion. If I didn't move, I was fine!) I have always blamed my sluggishness on my lack of sleep.

It's funny--knowing all this is great--but it doesn't relieve me from having to fight the battle of my urge to smoke. Strange. It's like the cravings have a life of their own completely separate from my brain or will. I just have to hold out one minute longer than the craving.

JUST.

ONE MINUTE.

MORE.

Keep praying, if you do. Thanks.

Added Later--
My Mom came over today. I went to give her a hug--and had to back away. Ugh. The smell! (She's a smoker).
My husband has not complained about the smell ever...not once in eleven years. I'm beginning to think he's "smelling-impaired." Man, I wish I still was.

The Longest Day

This is from Quitnet--I used the dog's name for a username!

Isn't that neat?
I love it.

Though this day really can't be over too soon.

Tomorrow.

Today is my son's 11th Birthday. He'll get all sorts of great presents he wants--and when the stress of the day is over, I'll give him another present tomorrow. He won't think it exciting. In fact, he probably won't even notice it. And it won't be his gift exclusively, either.

Yep, I'm going on the patch!

Cigarettes now cost about $96 for a carton of 8 packs. I smoke(d) a pack a day. That's $360.00/month.

Wish me luck.

Happy to Report

I took the boy and the dog for a brisk twenty minute walk today, before supper. I converted a crock pot recipe so I could stick it in the oven (and warm up the kitchen) and we headed out.

He talked the whole way about his bionicles. I just let it go over my head.

I've made up a weekly checklist--for me--based on Bob Green's Best Life plan. I re-read phase one last night and it struck me again how sensible it is.

I want to tread very carefully with the boy. There are a lot of bad eating habits to change.

and hey,

***************************************************************
THE FURNACE COMES TOMORROW!!!!!
***************************************************************

Obesity

What an ugly, ugly word.

An adult is obese if his BMI is 30 or greater.
BMI = Body Mass Index.
There's a handy dandy calculator here.
My BMI is 33.9

Food is much to difficult to think about, right now. Instead, even though it is cold, even though winter is coming, even though going outside is tough, I want to focus on physical activity.

According to the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) adults need 150 minutes a week of moderately intense excercise (such as a brisk walk). That's three 10 minute walks, 5 days a week. They also encourage muscle work twice a week. Personally, I think it's crucial. I just may devise a simple stretching and muscle toning regime. I wonder what resistence bands cost?


And children need one hour a day! This includes all kinds, though. Muscle resistence, bone strengthenng and aerobic activity. Yikes.

My poor kids. I don't give them that much time. My daughter will grab her bike and ride up and down the alley--but my son? When I send him outside, he grabs a book to read. He's even tried that on family walks! According to the numbrs at the CDC site, he's in the 97th percentile for boys his age and height with respect to his weight. Yes. He's heavier than 97% of his fellows. I really need to stop being in denial about the child I used to refer to as my "Biafra boy."

What am I going to do?

The most appalling book

has me utterly fascinated. I'm drawn into this morass of emotion, of unbelievable highs and suicidal lows: the diary of a food addict.

She keeps mentioning a checklist: a list of things to do to "become thin." I'm wondering if such an approach might work for me. It certainly does for school--I make up a chart with all of our subjects each week and type in our lessons for each day of the week. It makes school as "pick up and go" as possible and it really works.

What would go on a diet checklist?

Exercise.
Water.
Food groups.
In fact, now that I think of it, Weight Watchers was sort of a checklist for me. So many breads a day, so many fruits, a number of vegetables. Once you know your portion sizes--you can eat whatever you "want"--and as long as you keep to the checklist--and write down what you eat, you won't go overboard.

I am not a believer in calorie restricted diets. In fact, I've often idly wondered what it would be like to eat the calories required at my "ideal" weight--that way I'd never have to adjust. And it could only be called a "diet" in the way the word is really intended--an eating plan or regimen.

Of course, the unknown and extremely influential factor here is exercise. It's ironic. The more one weighs, the harder it is to move. The more weight one loses, the faster one can lose it. Based on a weight loss of a total of one pound a week (which would mean about 75 weeks for me--what's that--a year and a half?) I'd expect to see next to no movement on the scales for the first few months, then a lot of weight loss, then a plateauing as I reach the goal.

What a strange way to envision weight loss!
And wholly uninspiring.

Not a BIT of Progress

Actually, that's an assumption. As Mr. Bob strongly recommends not getting back on the scales until the end of Phase One, and phase One is all about establishing new habits, I have no numerical measure of my progress. Ergo, it appears there is none.

Remember those habits?

1) Increase my activity level.

2) Stop eating 2 hours before bed-time. (aack!)

3) Eat three meals, including a nutritious breakfast, plus at least one snack, daily.

4) Stay hydrated. (48 oz of water a day.)

5) Eliminate alcohol. (um, ok. Done. It's not that I don't drink, I just, um, don't drink.)

6) Take daily supplements.

I haven't kept a chart or any way to track any of this. In my defense, I have been up to my ying yang in making charts and lists for school, but that's over now. So, I think I need to play with Word and get something run off to stick on the fridge. It would be a way to track progress, of a sort, wouldn't it? Because I think I'm going to be in phase One a long, long time.

As discussed before, #2 is the bugaboo, for in order to stop eating 2 hours before bed time, one must actually have a bed time! Remember how I mentioned I "eat to stay awake?" Well, a few times in the past week I caught myself eating late at night...for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The house was quiet, the kids were asleep. I didn't need to stay awake...and yet, here I was, eating, while planning to go to bed. Hmmm.

We have managed to get up at 6:30am this morning. (No, they aren't reading, but watching Arthur. I'm typing this.) But it is too soon to celebrate a new "habit." In a month, it will still be too soon, I think. When my son attended school, we had to be up every morning at 8:30 at the absolute latest. In order for him to get enough sleep, he had to be in bed by 9. In three years, it never happened. Ok, maybe once or twice, but never for any length of time. (I did seek doctors help. They were unhelpful.)

So, my perspective on this is that we will have to keep at it for at least a year. I think I may have to include weekends, though, frankly, I will resist that for as long as I can!

(ack, I said "no more Arthur, time to get dressed," and I think they have crawled under the covers again! Oh man. I've had less than five hours of sleep, myself. sigh. I'm tempted to let them sleep for an hour but our school day is likely to be very short today as my Mom is coming at 11am and then my sister is dropping off my eight month old nephew to be looked after for the afternoon. I do NOT want to give up the school day!)

I guess this is precisely why I need a really long term perspective. If I based my "progress" on the results of a mere week (or month), I'd be likely to throw up my hands and say, "this will never work." Surely, if I give it a solid effort 'til Christmas, at least, we can establish this new, wonderful habit?

I'm going to rouse them and herd them to the table, now.

The Problem with Bed-Time

It is 1 am and the house is finally quiet.

The husband fell asleep hours ago, struggling to stay awake to put my daughter to bed. She's having her eighth birthday tomorrow and a tooth was loose and sore. At 11:30, during her second foray downstairs to complain about it, not at all sympathetic, I told her to work on it and pull it out. On her third venture downstairs, she was triumphant. I listened to the tale of how not the first, or the second, or the third, and not even the fourth but the fifth twist brought it out. We looked at it carefully, discussed how expensive it was (it had been capped, one of her "silver" teeth) and she disappeared.

I noticed during our conversation that my son was still watching a John Wayne movie. I had told him to turn it off a half hour earlier. I reminded him, somewhat severely. He turned it off and wandered into the dining room. He sat down as I read blogs and quietly tattooed himself with pen. He came over to show me what he had done: "I Love You" spelled out on his fingers between the first and second knuckle joints. I gave him a kiss. He gave me one back. I handed him Hank the Cow Dog and said I would be in to tuck him in in a few minutes.

I got to reading something about The Stockholm Syndrome, then Cognitive Dissonance, then to a book recommendation and then to our local library page to see if we had it. Down for maintenance.

I went to tuck in my boy and happily discovered him in bed, with the lights out and groggy. I hugged him and left closing the door quietly behind me as he'd asked.

And then, it occurred to me that in order to follow Bob's rule about "Do not eat 2 hours before bed-time" I would actually have to have a bed-time. And so would the kids.

I have to shift this quiet time, too, from late night to early morning. I haven't been too successful in the past, though. The peace and quiet is so nice when I waken an hour or so before them that, sometimes, I don't get them up--and then I'm sleepy in the night, and they're wide awake--and I eat to stay awake. It's really that simple. I eat at night to stay awake.

Because I like quiet time.

Three Been Salad

I found this recipe many years ago in an old recipe book written, I believe, in the day when canned veggies were considered superior to fresh.

To substitute fresh (or frozen) for canned, wash the beans, cut them up into appropriate sized pieces, then boil them until just done. (If they are soft enough to bite into and not mushy, they're perfect.) Drain them in a colander and douse with cold water to stop them from cooking further and cool them down.

(1 to 1 1/2 cup cut up beans would be about the right amount).

Adjust ingredients for taste--especially the dressing--it's a bit heavy on oil and sugar! (Sugar substitute works well, too, but still, use less!) I usually make about half. I don't like my salads swimming.

1 (1 pound) can cut green beans, drained
1 (1 pound) can wax beans, drained
1 (1 pound) can red kidney beans, drained.
1 cup minced celery
1 cup minced sweet green pepper
1 cup minced yellow onion
1/2 cup minced sweet or dill pickle (optional)

Dressing:
1/2 cup olive oil
6 tablespoons cider vinegar
3 tablespoons of sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

Mix all ingredients, cover and chill several hours before serving.

This salad keeps for about a week or so, making it super easy to haul it out and have a bowl whenever the blood sugar gets low. In fact, see that bowl up there? That was breakfast!

BIT, Bob, and Breakfast.

I hate to promote any one person's weight-loss and fitness regime because there are many worthwhile ones out there. However, I need structure and Mr. Greene's is as good as any. (For the record, I like Dr. Andrew Weil, too, and his program is even broken down into 8 weeks, but I don't happen to have a copy of his book.)

Mr. Bob breaks things down into phases--and this is its major attraction to me. The first phase is supposed to take 4 weeks (or so) and focuses on making changes in your habits. This is good. I have terrible habits when it comes to eating and excercising. (As if that's news).

Truthfully, this is a focus I can live with. The feverish attempt to lose weight is anathema to me...and in a way, that's fortunate. It means I've never yo-yoed. I have a pretty clean track record when it comes to trying to lose weight, per se. I think that's a good thing, physically speaking.

According to the theory of having a "set-point" (a weight at which your body goes into ultra conservativative hang-on-to-the-fat-or-die mode), yo yo-ing (going on and off diets continually with the consequent results of going up and down the scales) messes with your set-point and, supposedly, "sets" it higher each time. So, if the theory is correct, I don't have a messed up set-point--which may or may not mean anything.

What I want is a healthier lifestyle--a more functional and healthier relationship to life--not necessarily just my body. So, with that in mind....

Here are the objectives for Phase 1:

1) Increase my activity level.

2) Stop eating 2 hours before bed-time. (aack!)

3) Eat three meals, including a nutrious breakfast, plus at least one snack, daily.

4) Stay hydrated. (48 oz of water a day.)

5) Eliminate alcohol. (um, ok. Done. It's not that I don't drink, I just, um, don't drink.)

6) Take daily supplements.

The biggies, here, are 1), 2), and 3).

I plan to do my best to meet these objectives. But what I am NOT willing to do, at least not yet, is change what I eat. For example, the yogurt breakfast, a la Bob Greene is fat free plain yogurt, topped with fruit, nuts, a little honey and (if you like) a spoonful of flaxseed or wheat germ or a couple of spoonsful of low fat granola.

The yogurt breakfast, a la moi is 1/2 cup vanilla yogurt (4% M.G.) with 2/3 cup Quaker "Harvest Crunch." (I only know this because I actually measured this morning.) I throw on a handful of blueberries when I have them. Mmmmm.

I've mixed honey into plain non-fat yogurt before: it's time consuming and the taste takes getting used to. On my previous "diet" --a home made version of weight watchers-- I could only eat it with half an apple cut up into it along with cinnamon and nutmeg. Plain non-fat yogurt is just vile. And I bet French women don't bother. ;)

In winter, I like Red River cereal with a handful of dried cranberries. Oh, and brown sugar.

Perhaps this reluctance to alter what I eat will change. Anything is possible. But eating breakfast, in and of itself, will be a huge change for me. (Normally, breakfast is, well, let's just say lots and lots of coffee and...cigarettes.)

And that's enough for now.

Isn't it?

My BIT

All right. Since Wende and scb are feeling self-conscious about being alone together in this enterprise for a better body, I have to join them, if only to encourage their efforts. Besides, I need encouragement too, and it makes no sense to me to let this opportunity go by.

Years ago, I purchased Bob Greene's "The Best Life Diet." At that time I was researching diets and low-glycemic index foods, healthy eating and lifestyle changes, and so on, and it seemed quite a sensible approach. So, that's what I'm going to use as my guide.

There's just one thing about it I really don't like, though it was probably important to me at the time I bought it. Greene places a lot of emphasis on analysing why you overeat. Are you stuffing down your anger? Your disappointment? Your frustration? Find new and better ways to deal with it, he says, and "have the best life you deserve."

(bleh)

Oprah wrote the introduction (of course). In it she writes:

Loving yourself means honoring yourself and your own feelings first. When I was 237 pounds, I didn't even know what I felt. It was like living behind a veil of fat.

I hesitate to say this, for all sorts of reasons, but I do not believe, in spite of being 75 pounds overweight, that I am living behind a "veil of fat."

No, I am living behind a veil of smoke.

I use cigarettes to "manage" my feelings. I have promised to quit and I have quit a few times in the last eleven years, but never for more than a month at a time. I've invested in courses from the Lung Association, pills from the doctor, nicotine gum...and now that the patch is available without prescription, I'll do that too.

I have to set a quit date and dig out my little cigarette charts to track and cut down on the number I smoke each day (about 20, now). Crikey, just typing this makes me so nervous, I'm reaching for the pack! They steady me.

Managing my emotions in a different way is going to be HUGE. I can't tell you.

Bit: or Biting off More than I Want.

Scb is to be applauded for just diving in and beginning. I have been in denial about my own weight issues for about seven years. I have such a precise figure simply because my daughter will be turning eight in less than a week. For the first year after she was born, I promised mysef to lose weight slowly and carefully. And I did--I got down to a weight that is about 50 lbs less than where I am now. That shocks me. See, 50lbs less than I am now was still "fat." I'd wanted to lose another 25-30, but I plateaued. So I gave up.

Of course, that means I have 75 lbs to lose, now. Impossible.

My knees are bad. My back is worse. My right arm has been bothering me for months. My feet, fortunately, seem to have stopped pronating (or whatever it is feet do when the arches "fall.")

And can you believe this? Digging out bushes, sledging concrete and walking, nearly every night for at least 1/2 hour, leisurely, to be sure, but still walking, has done nothing to the scales since we've returned from our trip 8-9 weeks ago now.

I can tell you though, I have lost a significant amount of weight in the past. Yep, about 70 lbs. It took nine months. Nine months of low-impact aerobics at the local Y (eventually I became a certified instructor and taught classes so my membership would be free), nine months of measuring out my food and recording everything I ate on a chart. Nine months of endless carrot sticks and eating (lightly floured) fried (baby beef) liver and onions every friday. Even though that was 20 years ago, I still remember it vividly. I just don't want to do that again.

I grew up in a house where my mother was always trying to lose weight. She always thought she was fat. She was always bemoaning her body. I do not want to continue that legacy. I grew up with absolutely no idea what was "normal" and what wasn't. At 13, I thought I had "fat thighs" and went on my first diet. Fortunately, I haven't dieted much at all, other than those two separate times.

But dieting does require you to focus, focus, focus on your body, your food, your excercise. And I honestly believe that intense focus is not healthy--though the process and the results may be.

So honestly, I don't know what to do.