Friday, February 6, 2009

Hello, my name is

and I'm a ***** survivor.

I remember once being in a class for ***** survivors and being told to celebrate the fact I had survived. As is my wont, I had to question the instructor: what did she mean "survived"? Because, you see, I hadn't survived well. There had been a train wreck. My reactions to the train wreck had sparked other perhaps even worse situations and events. It all had most definitely not gone well: and yet, here was I to celebrate?

Well, yes, it seemed I was. Anything short of death itself was a cause for celebration: a reason to supposedly feel good about oneself to begin the long, slow, tortuous climb back to good mental health.

I can see the point, really I can. It is essential to focus on the one working limb when all the others are broken and the train is lying on top of you. But, unfortunately, it glosses over the "how." For, though you may not have a choice about the train wreck happening to you: you do have control over how you handle it, if not right away, then, some day, eventually, yes. There comes a day when you wake up and say, "no matter how I got here; today, this day, this life, right now and tomorrow, this is my responsibility (and no one else's)."

So, the question before me today is: What's beyond mere survival? Merely surviving my current situation isn't going to be enough. I have to survive it well. And what does that mean? What counts as "success"?

I haven't a clue.

I haven't a clue.
(did I say that loudly enough for you?)

The frustrating thing about this whole mess is that I desperately need to talk to friends: and it isn't anything I can discuss publicly.

I apologise to you.

And that is why the blog has been quiet.


lorijo said...

I don't know what is going on- but I hope that you and your family are alright.
If you want you can email me to talk at

(that's the email address for me on my blog too.....)

zooza said...

That all sounds very worrying, Alana - I'm so sorry you haven't been able to unburden yourself yet but hope you find someone to talk things through with very soon. I'm thinking of you. Take good care of yourself. Susie

FreeMyMuse said...

I can't remember what originally brought me to subscribe to your RSS feed. Sorry, but my life has been fairly out of whack lately. But when I saw your new posts, I had to comment.

I've got stuff that is burdening me too. And like you, feel I can't open up to friends about it.

And, like you, I don't know how to survive it well. I don't know how much I should put up with. I don't even want to face what not putting up with it would mean.

The secret is overwhelming. I hope you find relief. My personal blog has been rather quiet because of it too. I even started this fake account to maybe relieve myself through an anonymous blog but even that seems too much.

It feels like my life force is being sucked away and I don't know what to do about it.

Colleen said...

I hope everything is OK. I too am available to talk offline if you need to speak to an virtual friend. Does your insurance cover any sessions with a counselor if you just need to talk to someone? Could you start a completely separate blog with a different email address that would let you talk about your concerns more anonymously? Perhaps **** for example to help you find readers who share your issue? You might also find a web forum for survivors of ***** that would allow you to interact anonymously with fellow survivors.


drwende said...

I'm probably not the person you want to unburden yourself to -- though you're always welcome to -- but I'll pray for you to find a decision that both gives you peace and allows you to grow.

scb said...

Oh, Alana -- I had a feeling that you were going through some sort of difficulty. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find someone to talk to... I'll be praying too.

I wish that blogger had the sort of "Private Message" option that Vox has -- it's like an email, only you don't have to give out your email address.

I'll email you through Flickr, if you're still on there.


Anne (in Reno) said...

Oy. All I can say is that I wish I could be there for you and I am absolutely rooting for you. Here's hoping that there is a solution out there for you. You are in my thoughts.

Christine in DC said...

If I had the answers, I'd gladly share them...all I can say is I'll be thinking about you. And, no matter what you're going through, know you're not alone!

drwende said...

Please, please, keep blogging just so we know you're out there!

A bland update on cooking or housekeeping is fine... it's just that the silence is scary.

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