Hello, my name is

and I'm a ***** survivor.

I remember once being in a class for ***** survivors and being told to celebrate the fact I had survived. As is my wont, I had to question the instructor: what did she mean "survived"? Because, you see, I hadn't survived well. There had been a train wreck. My reactions to the train wreck had sparked other perhaps even worse situations and events. It all had most definitely not gone well: and yet, here was I to celebrate?

Well, yes, it seemed I was. Anything short of death itself was a cause for celebration: a reason to supposedly feel good about oneself to begin the long, slow, tortuous climb back to good mental health.

I can see the point, really I can. It is essential to focus on the one working limb when all the others are broken and the train is lying on top of you. But, unfortunately, it glosses over the "how." For, though you may not have a choice about the train wreck happening to you: you do have control over how you handle it, if not right away, then, some day, eventually, yes. There comes a day when you wake up and say, "no matter how I got here; today, this day, this life, right now and tomorrow, this is my responsibility (and no one else's)."

So, the question before me today is: What's beyond mere survival? Merely surviving my current situation isn't going to be enough. I have to survive it well. And what does that mean? What counts as "success"?

I haven't a clue.

I haven't a clue.
(did I say that loudly enough for you?)

The frustrating thing about this whole mess is that I desperately need to talk to friends: and it isn't anything I can discuss publicly.

I apologise to you.

And that is why the blog has been quiet.